Risking the Bloom

Tonight I watched the pine woods behind the house reflect the western light. Too soon the trees faded into gray.

My anniversary is coming up.

Five years ago I bought myself a Mother’s Day gift, The Secret, and took its lessons to heart: Ask, Believe, Receive. My first few requests were for mundane things: a better car, enough money, success in my career. But the book urged grander expectations, so I asked for answers. If we are created out of love, why is there so much agony and grief, so much senseless tragedy in the world? I wanted to know what happens after death. Do we come back? Do we cease to exist? Within two months my reality turned up-side-down. I was seduced down the rabbit hole, swallowed into Hell. Yeah, weird, right?                                                                         

Clawing my way out, one raw hand-hold at a time, I rested for months in the rocky comfort of false belief—thinking I was home—that I “got it.” If I hadn’t been so riddled with terror, if I hadn’t first believed the lies, I wouldn’t have been forced to think. I would have carried on, ignoring the chasm between what my heart knew about God and what I was taught. Or maybe I’d have chucked the whole notion, again, and believed we live and we die.

The End. Fade to black.

I never would have paused long enough to look deeply at life.

I wouldn’t have fallen in love with it.

I’d have stayed hidden, asleep, never risking the bloom.

I’m approaching the marker now; the time I promised myself I would do it.

Write the story.

Wish me luck.

4 thoughts on “Risking the Bloom

  1. Deb, this is stunning. I’ve read it twice, and each time I related to a different phrase, reacted with a slightly different interpretation, responded with my own details. This is excellent.

  2. deb reilly says:

    Wow, Marylin!

    Thanks so much. It’s over a year since I posted this, yet the story I long to share remains unwritten–still in my head. Getting closer. Braver. Thank you for your help. 🙂

  3. Gerald Dowling says:

    Dear Deb Reilly, I believe its the truth. I met you last year in St. Augustine, hope you will be back again this year. the inner growth that you gain in one year of sitting down behind a keyboard is amazing. I even came up with,or she just butted in by the name of Granny, based on your Momma. Take care.

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